I struggle with writing. As much as I love to do it, as soon as I sit down to do it, I'm anxious and worried - that my writing won't turn out the way I want it, that the subject sucks, that it won't be perfect or exactly how I want it. Plus, I feel like it takes forever and I struggle to think of topics that give me enough meat to dig into. I haven't updated this blog in forever for exactly this reason - I have countless (read: 3) posts that I've started and just haven't gone anywhere because I feel crappy about them. But the topic I want to talk about today is inspiration - that should be good for a few paragraphs, right?
I often hem and haw about topics because I don't want to offend anybody, or just don't know enough about a topic and don't want to feel dumb when going through the writing process. But I've found that it's best to settle on whatever I'm thinking about most, and just start typing. In connection with this, I was doing some soul searching this morning on what's important to me right now and what I felt I could write about, and the junction of these two ideas is expressive freedom. I realized that for a long time, I've felt shut inside myself - like I have ideas that I can't express because I'm worried about how they might be viewed. Lately I've felt more free, more open and expressive, more myself. When I think about why, a lot of it has to do with getting out of my last relationship and spending time on my own - feeling comfortable with finding out who I am and presenting that the the public-at-large. For a while it was difficult because I felt unappreciated, and felt like my ideas were "bad" when they really just may not have been fully formed and lacking the nurturing touch of a true friend.
I'm not one to be cheesy to large groups of people over the internet (in person is a different story - prepare for gross-out levels of saccharine if you're ever around us), but my girlfriend really has inspired me to be a more open person. I'm inherently goofy and have a big-time Peter Pan syndrome, and people that I've been intimate with before have either just labeled me as weird, or told me that I'm not good enough, or made me feel like I should be someone other than who I feel like inside. For a long time, I just accepted that as the way things are - people have their own goals and motivations, and my outlook was that I should compromise with those to find a happy middle ground, and live there.
Not to say that compromise is overrated, but I've found someone who truly appreciates me for being me. She believes in my talent and makes me feel like the best version of me that I can be. She's opened my eyes to a lot of new experiences and we've become indispensable parts of each other's lives. She tirelessly supports me, and helps me identify goals for myself and helps me enact a plan to reach them. Even when those goals take me away from her, I still know that she's my biggest cheerleader and friend, and knows that what I'm working toward is important for my happiness and thus, our shared happiness. This has meant so much to me and made me realize what's truly important in a relationship.
Ok, cheese over. I promise. As much as I love Emy, those of you who know me in real life are probably sick of me talking about her, so I'll digress here. But find someone, something, that fuels your passion; that makes your spark ignite and burn hotter than it ever has. Everyone has the right to inspiration and to feel completely comfortable with themselves. I'm finding out more about myself every day and feel completely safe expressing it with those around me, because they matter the most to me.